Death Hunt
by Darket
Summary: A redneck hunting show records a documentary where they explore the vast and magically gay world of Pokemon only to blow the living crap out of it! NOw finished.
1. Chapter 1

**A/N- For hate mail, or fan mail, mail me at Darkit2099 (at)aol . com. I'll be sure to reply.**

**Death Hunt**

Billy: "Hi! This is our new show called Death Hunt! Today on Death Hunt, we will be exploring the fascinating and wonderfully magical world of Pok e'mon. Isn't that right Jed?"

Jed: "Sure is. We've got one now!"

The two run towards the bushes before panning the camera at Billy.

Billy: "Look! This here is a nice frisky, yet young, Bulbasaur!"

The camera panned up over the bushes to reveal a Bulbasaur eating some grass.

Billy: "This here creature has been put on the endangered species list because now they add new Pokemon every year. This one is rare…"

Jed: "God damn it Billy! The son of a bitch has rabies!"

Bulbasaur: "Bulba?"

Jed and Billy rise with their French made Spas 12 Gauge Shotguns with the autoloader feature. These babies can cleanse the meat right off an animal if hit properly.

Billy: "Die you ass hole sum' bitch kami asshole rapist son of a bitch ass whore cock logging son of a bitch old son of a BITCH!"

The two unload.

Bulbasaur: "Bulba? WAM! SAUR!"

Jed: "Did you see it charge me? It did!"

Billy: "We got it! That old crazy bastard!"

Jed: "I shot it in the nuts!"

The frame cuts to the water.

Billy: "Here in this very lake is quite possibly one of the most fragile pokemon. In fact, some dumb asshole spent a thousand on one. It's the magikarp… Can you see it?"

Jed: "I reckon I can't."

Billy: "Well, here's an old trick I learned in Nam."

Billy throws a grenade over board.

Billy: "Die you god damn gooks!"

There is a blast of water. Magikarp fly up, one lands on the boat.

Jed: "It's got rabies!"

Jed unloads five 22 Remington manual loading shell into its shell. The magikarp explodes, putting a hole in the boat.

Billy: "They've taken action to sink us! Use the whammy bomb!"

Jed: "On it!"

They hit a switch, sending a tactical warhead into the lake. There is a massive explosion that kills them all. Magikarp fly up before a lone Garydos tips upside down.

Jed: "Well son of a bitch!"

The frame cuts again to show Jed and Billy smoking a joint next to a rock.

Billy: "Can't believe we got away with that!"

Jed: "I'm lovin' this joint!"

Billy sees camera.

Billy: "Hey! Turn that fucking thing off!

Frame cuts to an open field with Jed and Billy armed with Semi Automatic M-16 Assault rifles. They can totally fuck your world if they hit you.

Billy: "See it? That there is a flock of young breeding Spearows. Check it out!"

The camera pans up and zooms in on two Spearows getting it on. It comes back to Billy as he cocks the rifle.

Billy: "It's time to thin out their numbers!"

Jed: "Got it!"

Jed and Billy run into a field with guns blazing. After killing a few Spearows, they start to attack in flocks. Billy falls over with the camera.

Billy: "My god! I'm having flashbacks you guys! Oh man!"

Suddenly Billy found himself in a Vietnam flashback with anti vehicle rounds storming over the area.

Billy: "You god damn Gooks! I won't let you rape my freedom you Kami bastards!"

Billy rises and does some flashy gun fight move before throwing a grenade off. A spearow picks up the grenade and is blown away in an instant. Billy in his rage lifted a gun up and fired away at everything before grabbing a Spearow in flight.

Billy: "Rot in hell you fucking Kami!"

Billy immediately bit the head off the spearow before walking off. The frame cuts to Billy and Jed standing in front of their truck eating Wheaties.

Billy: "Today's show was brought to you by Wheaties!"

Jed: "And Winchester rifles. Nothing else says 'get the fuck off my porch' better than a Winchester!"

Billy: "Bye bye! On tomorrow's show we will be reenacting the Vietnam War at the local Vietnamese war veteran clinic. I hope you had fun! Bye!"

Jed: "Bye bye!"

**Moral: "Men prefer the taste of Wheaties after a mad crazy hunt than beer…"**


	2. Chapter 2

**Death Hunt**

**Episode 2**

Billy: "Hi, you're on Death Hunt! This is a new segment of our show where we accept fan and viewer mail. Here's one. This is from Chibiangl… You know, I can't pronounce that. Anyways, she write, "Oh my god! This story is so funny!" Story?"

Jed: "I thought this was a hunting show too."

Billy: "Well, keep watching. The next one is from Nathan… Nathan writes, 'RAFL! hahahahahahahahahaha dam thats 1 schweet piece of writing there lol! "Nothing else says get the fuck off my porch better than a Winchester." hahahahahahahahaha wtf update u crazy basterd.' Well here it is.

Jed: "I want to open the next! This one is from Joan out of Utah, Joan writes, 'Dear Jed and Billy. You two suck. I am going to fucking kill you when we meet.' Well, bring it you Kami!"

Billy: "Let's get the show in motion."

Frame cuts to them standing out in a field with a young pikachu sniffing around in the grass.

Billy: "this here is a magestic… BIRD!"

Billy fires up at a Pigeotto and hits it dead on.

Billy: "Did you see that evil bastard? It tried to kill me!"

Jed: "I saw it too!"

Billy: "Anyway, this here is the Beretta 9mm with the autoloader feature. I'm going to use it for a good reason. We're hungry. So let's get some meat. How about it Jed?"

Jed: "I'm in."

Billy quickly flipped around and fired a shot that struck pikachu in the face. Blood sprayed all over the ground before Jed and Billy ran up to it. Jed felt it's pulse before standing up and firing two extra rounds into it.

Billy: "I think it's dead."

Jed lifted it up and stuck a stick through it's ass and out of it's mouth.

Jed: "Fried Pikachu tastes like kami limbs. One time me and Billy ate three of those damn gooks one time."

Frame cuts again to them standing inside of a cave. Billy was armed with an M4-Carbine assault Rifle. One of these babies could deliver ten kill shots in under three seconds. Pretty cool, huh?

Billy: "This here is a cave that contains some of the most fascinating of Pokemon. It is home to the Kabuto and Ominyte—two of the extinct pokemon."

Jed: "Since they're on the endangered list as well, both f us are going to have to take cautionary action."

Billy quickly cocked the gun.

Billy: "Let's rock and roll!"

The two rushed in before hearing a yell from inside of the cave walls. Billy was cautious, so he fired three shots off towards the area of the sound.

Billy: "Who's there?"

Voice: "It's just a scientist! Don't shoot!"

Jed: "Well son of a bitch! Come on over here!"

The scientist stepped out of the darkness with a note pad, a few poke balls, and a hat.

Scientist: "My name is Bill. I live in an observatory where I spot some of the rarest pokemon."

Billy: "Well for out sakes, we'll just call you Mr Scientist. We need to check out your observatory some time."

Scientist: "Well, that would be lovely!"

Billy quickly got close to Jed and whispered.

Billy: "This dude's a total fag."

Jed: "Shut up man!"

Scientist: "What brings you boys out here?"

Billy: "We're looking for the Kabuto and the Ominyte. Could you tell us a bit about them?"

Scientist: "Well, they are very tame creatures except when provoked by loud noises like explosions. That's when they attack at will!"

Billy: "Explosions eh?"

Billy took a grenade out of Jed's pocket before throwing it towards one of the tunnel.

Billy: "YOINK!"

The grenade rolled off before exploding. The scientist flipped out.

Scientist: "What the hell are you doing?"

Billy: "Son of a bitch! There are two of them right now! Take 'em Jed!"

Jed: "On it!"

Jed fired off at two Kabuto's, piercing their brains with a single shot. A couple of Zubats flew down at them and attack the Scientist.

Scientist: "HELP ME! HELP!"

Billy: "OH MY GOD!"

Billy drew his M4-Carbine and fired blindly at the scientist and the Zubats. They all fell, long with the scientist who suffered 27 shots form the carbine.

Billy: "God damn it, did you see those things?"

Jed: "Oh man, they're crazy!"

Billy: "I think we need to head out before somebody finds us."

The frame cut again to the two in front of a jungle where many pokemon lay dormant. There were trainers every where playing around with their pokemon.

Billy: "This here is a pokemon preservation ground. It sickens me to see people do such cruel things to these animals. Pokemon battles, come on! They're just deranged cock fights and the government has problems with us instead of them. They need to do something about this ill treatment…"

Jed: "Well there nothing we can do… Let's napalm the place."

The two grabbed onto their Navy issued White Phosphorus grenades capable of delivering up to 3000 degrees. Anybody caught in this thing will be dead on contact! The two grenades flew up over the fence and onto a pick nick table in front of a Togepi.

Togepi: "Toge?"

It picked up the grenade before being blown away by the powerful heat shear of 3000 degrees Celsius. The trainers were burnt alive along with some pokemon. The second grenade landed next to a Geodude and a Hitmonlee. The trainers gasped in terror.

Trainer: "GRE-NAAAAADE!"

Another explosion ruptured from the grenade, setting the whole forest ablaze. Billy and Jed stormed in with Gattling Guns capable of firing 3000 rounds a second. The two rushed through the survivors and the escaping pokemon.

Billy: "DIE YOU KAMI ASSHOLES! PRICKS!"

Jed threw down his gattling gun and caught an ekans as it charged at him. With one simple twist, the ekans' neck broke before her threw it down. The frame cut again to the two standing in a pit of dead bodies and fire.

Billy: "Millions of animal cruelty groups get away with cruel actions everyday, and I think that's just wrong."

Jed: "Unfortunately during this little skirmish, we had a few casualties. Some weren't expecting it, but we've tried our best to pick out the dead from survivors—which we didn't find."

Burnt Trainer: "I'm still alive… Help me…"

Jed pulled out his Beretta and fired a few shots back at the trainer before facing the camera.

Billy: "No survivors at all."

The frame cut again to Jed and Billy standing in front of a fire with two pikachus being roasted.

Billy: "Well I had fun today Jed. How about you?"

Jed: "Yeah, I sure did. Thank you all for watching. We'll be back next Sunday for another edition of Death Hunt."

Billy: "Today's episode was brought to you by Poke-gone extermination, you know theyre motto, "We catch them all!"

Jed: "And also a sponsor from Joe's Abortion Clinic to help bring out the kid in you."

Billy: "Goodbye now!"

Jed: "Bye! Now come on Billy, these pikachu's aren't going to eat themselves…"

**A/N- Thank you Chibiangellaisela for adding me to the C2 Community. Thank you Nathan for reviewing. I'll try to update this every Sunday.**


	3. Chapter 3

**Death Hunt 3**

Billy: "Holy shit Jed, guess what?"

Jed: "What Billy?"

Billy: "Since we've finally sold out and whored ourselves off to big name labels we have a bigger show! But first, here's a commercial!"

Camera cuts to a woman sitting in her house sighing over a sad day of work. A boy walks into frame with a cup of milk. He spills it.

Narrator: "Every time you seem to clean your house it gets messy. Tired of cleaning it yourself? Wish you could have some type of robot slave? Well one, robots don't exist, two, your ass is lazy, and three, slavery has been abolished! But we have the next best thing!"

Boy and woman stare shocked at the camera for a close up. Frame cuts to a cage.

Narrator: "Introducing, the cleaning monkey!"

Family opens up cage which releases rabid angry capuchin monkey. Family screams in horror.

Narrator: "It cleans everything while you reap the benefits of good old fashioned free labor. It cleans dishes!"

Frame show monkey washing dishes and picking nose.

Narrator: "Bathrooms!"

Frame shows monkey standing over a toilet with "Monkey no clean" written in shit on the stalls.

Narrator: "And they're disposable! The things reproduce every day, it's environmental friendly. Like on Death Hunt, thin out their numbers!"

Woman gets live monkey and puts it in trash bag before throwing it out the window.

Narrator: "Since it's not 28 Days later, go ahead, get the cleaning monkey before it gets you!"

Frame cuts back to show.

Billy: "Ah, nothing like morally corrupt capitalism! Anyway Jed, today we were able to head to Fushia city. I heard it's gook pokemon extreme there. This should be interesting!"

Jed: "It should be!"

The team goes over to a zin garden before hiding behind a rock. A hitmonchan and Hitmonlee as fighting extremely all kick ass kung fuey hong kong cool stuff like… yeah…

Billy: "I heard these are proud to be gook pokemon here."

Jed: "Fags."

Billy: "They are in a new breed of Pokemon battles. It's ok to test their skills. They've dodged fists, knives, fish, fire, and stupid attacks from the concerned parent communities all around the globe!"

Jed: "Wow! But for safety reasons, like the subtitles below, don't try this at home!"

Subtitles read, "Do it."

Billy: "Let's see if they can dodge this."

Billy holds up a Stryker Automatic 12 gauge with the burst fire capabilities and buck shot rounds with the power to deliver a burst of ten shots in under five seconds. He quickly rises up and open fire on the two pokemon as they fight. Hitmonchan gets killed instantly while Hitmonlee stands up to face Billy head on.

Billy: "we've got a challenger… This one's actually charging at us!

The Hitmonlee becomes shocked.

Jed: "Kill that son of a bitch!"

Billy: "AHHHH!"

Billy unloads while the hitmonlee does a cheap Matrix limbo dodge to get around the bullets. As it slowly went around the bullets, Jed nodded before walking over to it with a pistol.

Hitmonlee: "You'll never get away with this!"

Jed: "Yes I will."

Jed fires a shot into it's skull before nodding at the camera.

Billy: "Wasn't that fun?"

Jed: "Sure was!"

Billy: "Let's get going!"

Frame cuts to them at a river cleansing festival.

Billy: "If it's not the gookiest of all gookism, it's a river cleansing. This ritual is performed yearly with the help of the Squirtle."

Jed: "What kind of weapon are you showing us here today Billy?"

Billy: "Well Jed, this here is the LAW AT4 anti tank gun. A bit excessive for hunts—if you're a fucking gook—but we're going to give a test demonstration at this water cleansing festival."

Jed: "Don't fuck it up Billy!"

The two laugh before the frame cuts to them aiming up into the air.

Jed: "Woogie Boogie!"

Billy flips out and accidentally fires at the group of Squirtles on the river. They get sent flying while the people around them run away screaming.

Billy: "VIVA LA RESISTANCE!"

The frame cuts again to the two in front of a free way.

Billy: "I've heard that the producers wish to thank our whoring off with a new addition called the 21 dead corpse salute."

Jed: "This week we salute the pigeot! It happens to be one of the most effective air pokemon of the original pokedex which evolves into Pigeotto!"

Billy: "Say Jed, I'd say your getting all gooky on me now. How do you know so much?"

Jed: "Here they come!"

A helicopter flies over the freeway before dropping a flock of the pokemon all over the cars. It causes a pile up while Billy begins to cry.

Billy: "Oh the humanity! It's a gook on gook invasion!"

Jed: "AHHH! Shoot em!"

Billy: "You'll never catch me alive!"

They open fire as blood and poke-guts spray all over the road. Billy laughs evilly before the frame cuts again to them smoking a cigarette.

Billy: "Well that's our show!"

Jed: "That's it? Get out of town!"

Billy: "Yeah, but since things are all screwed up due to our sponsors—evil assholes—we have viewer mail! Ok! Phantom Brave Fan writes, 'Awesome! You blew off that bulbasaur's balls! You totally rock! You put that stick up Pikachus ass and out his mouth, hilarious!' Thank you. Those bastards had it coming!"

Jed: "My turn! My turn! Pokefan writes, 'you suck balls. Why don't you suck your own dick and fuck off? Bitches!' Oh my god, that was all? How many people know that I actually have been trying to learn to suck my own dick for years now? Craziness. If I did that, I wouldn't be reading this right now!"

Billy: "And I wouldn't be on this show! So to pokefan, fu-u-u-u-u-ck you! Ok, one more… Neomanitails writes, 'OMG... you know that was funny you added that.. they talking about cruelty when they use every excuse to kill these innocent creatures... for some reason, i wnat thier last hunting be aginst Charizeard and he ikills them LOL Then teh finding the alive ones and the dead ones and killing the trainer was hilarious again.' LOL, what' that mean Jed?"

Jed: "I dunno. AOL talk. Anyways, thanks for watching todays show was brought to you by Ford car manufacturers reminding you to read the acronym name, 'fix or repair daily!'"

Billy: "And by Paramount pictures _Drifter 2_ in theaters July 4th, this time he's kicking ass even more… for his country! Bye now!"

**A/N- I hope to have another chap up sooner, sorry about the hiatus. Been on FP lately. Thanks for the reviews, you guys have been great! I strongly urge you Phantom Brave Fan to check out my work on Fictionpress (dot) comunder the account name "Darket." I have a story called Subject One you'd really love since you liked AF. Thanks man. Thanks for adding me to the C2 Neo**


	4. Chapter 4

**A/N- Sorry it took so long, I kinda abandoned this. Well, here's another chap anyways. Are you liking me so far? Well if this shit bores you, look up my account at there's better stuff there. Personally, I'm fucking sick that I'm in a damn C2. Pokeblah? How fucking hypocritical is that? First they knock on the show and then we have this touchy feeling fanfiction that just makes my ass wanna shit fire over it's awfulness. The best crossovers? What the fuck? This is not a crossover. I did get part of the idea from South Park, but that doesn't make this a South Park and Pokemon crossover. And how come I'm paired with wussy shit? How about I make my own C2? Maybe. But anyways, that's my roast, and here's the chap. Enjoy!**

**Death Hunt**

Billy: "Welcome back to Death Hunt, the most bad ass anti pokemon show on public access. Today we've got plenty of pokemon to shoot and fucking kill. Ain't that right Jed?"

Jed: "It sure is. Today we've got a special guest."

Ozzy: "I'm Ozzy fucking Osbourne and I fucking hate this pokemon gig. It makes me fuckin' sick."

Billy: "It's been making our children retarded, turning our grown men gay, and I've gotten fucking sick of it."

Ozzy: "Well as much as I am up for peace and love, I think Pokemon is the Japanese way of using our children to turn into fucking war machines. And that's just wrong."

Jed: "So were gonna be armed especially tight today. Ozzy, you get first dibs."

Ozzy: "(speaking unintelligible gibberish) pokemon makes me sick."

Ozzy quickly spread his arms and tuned into a dark evil mist before floating over the hills. Jed and Billy watched as a whole heard of Pidgets flocked around in the field. As they were sucked into the dark mist, they're bodies wewre turned inside out in the most painful of ways.

Billy: "Ozzy! NO!"

Dark Mist cloud: "(Satanic voice) they're coming right for us!"

Billy held his thumb up in happiness. The slain corpses of the Pidgets flew towards the ground before Ozzy came back together with one clenched in his hand. He laughed and then bit its head off before smiling. Blood tinkled through his teeth before he dropped it.

Ozzy: "Hahahaha! Crazy but that's how it goes!"

The scene changed to the group inside a cave. Ozzy smiled with blood gushing out of his mouth before he looked at a Zubat in the distance. Quickly he lifted his hand and his arm stretched to impossible lengths to grab the critter.

Ozzy: "It's coming right for us!"

He smiled and then bit its head off. Jed smiled. Ozzy rocks. Ah fuck this story. This sucks.


End file.
